The Three Stooges are having dinner. Moe chokes on the salad and asks, "Criminy, what did ya put in this?" Larry answers, "Vitamin L."
"I thought so," Curley says. "It sure tastes like L."
So here's your daily adult requirement of Vitamin L.
L is for Lynch. City Council candidate Pete Witte has challenged the residency of boycott leader the Rev. Damon Lynch III.
"If he's not willing to raise his family in Cincinnati, why should he serve on city council?" Witte asks.
Lynch has lived with his family in Woodlawn - until he decided to run for council. Then he registered to vote at a condo he owns in East Price Hill.The Hamilton County Board of Elections will consider it on Sept. 5. But don't hold your breath.
The residency rule has been a joke since 1999, when Councilman Paul Booth was challenged - and the Board of Elections voted 3-1 to ignore that Booth lived outside the city, while renting an apartment in Oakley, to run as a resident.
The Board of Elections is trapped. If they enforce the rule against Lynch, they will be accused of racism and revenge for his boycott.
If people who pretend to live in the city can be on council, non-residents who pay city taxes should get to vote in city elections.
L is for levy. Cincinnati Public Schools flunked its state report card, with test scores among the worst in Ohio. On the first day of school, a quarter of the students stayed home. Half were missing at some schools. So naturally, the school board gave Superintendent Alton Frailey a $6,800 raise, to $181,000.
They said Frailey was too new to be blamed for low scores. But he was not too new to get credit for passing a steep bond issue last November. One reason the board gave for his raise: "helping to pass and implement the $1 billion school rebuilding project."
Scores are slipping, students are skipping - but the money is pouring in, so the boss gets a raise.
At this rate, the city schools are well on the way to having the nicest half-empty classrooms of failing students in the state.
L is for Lindner. When the Reds traded Aaron Boone, I heard a New York sportswriter on ESPN say, "The people of Cincinnati rue the day that Marge Schott sold the Reds to Carl Lindner."
Maybe guys in New York know more about Cincinnati than people who actually live here. But I don't think so.
Reds fans cried for Ken Griffey Jr. So Lindner dug in his pockets and brought him to Cincinnati. Reds fans cried to keep Barry Larkin. Lindner gave them their wish.
And now the same ingrates are whining that Lindner doesn't spend enough.
So I asked the Reds owner about it. "I was hurt that I was called cheap in the press," he said.
Although usually quiet about his donations, he said that in the past 10 years he has donated $200 million to charities, with 80 percent going to the Cincinnati area. In the past year, he said, the Reds have lost $12 million.
The Reds are not a charity, and Lindner is not cheap - he just knows the difference between a millionaire athlete and, say, inner city kids who need a choice besides CPS.
If Cincinnati collected a $10 fine from everyone who whines about the Reds, we could raise enough dinero to buy the Yankees.
And they'd still whine about it on talk radio.
E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or call 768-8301.
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A QUESTION OF FAITH
Shaken, Catholics shunning church
Church spokesman believes in message
Nothing will shake her faith of 82 years
Elder High student's beliefs not affected
As a teen, he left the church
He believes in ideals of the Catholic faith
Victim abandoned dream of priesthood
Men of the cloth can be creeps, she says
Want to share your feelings about your
IN THE TRISTATE
Two truck accidents cause headaches on highways (Photo gallery)
11 accused of participating in large cocaine, marijuana ring
Rental program freeze sought
Order restricts release of Bengals lawsuit information
Bronson: Lynch is not a resident, and Lindner is not cheap
Howard: Good Things Happening
Faith Matters: Art show honors Mary
BUTLER, WARREN, CLERMONT
AK Steel's the place to be
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Glass sculptures stolen
Widened part of Kemper to open
Symmes group drops petition
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Virginia Coffey fought against discrimination
Former osteopath William Houser made house calls to his patients
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Lawyer accused in drug-ring probe
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Pharmacist gets 3 years for embezzling $1.2 million
Meter runs while judge blocks prison shutdown
Tiny village in jeopardy as new law takes effect
Woman, 105, donates $1.25 million for park
Restaurant shootings called unrelated
Doctor accused of unnecessary hysterectomies
Covington bishop apologizes for abuse by 30 priests
Overcrowded jail prepares for busy holiday weekend
Longtime legislator will not run in 2004