Tuesday, July 29, 2003

One-liners through the years

I love playing golf with Gerald Ford. He makes me feel like I'm back performing in a war zone.

By John Kiesewetter
The Cincinnati Enquirer

Some of Bob Hope's best one-liners through the years.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt: ''I was with Roosevelt during one of his famous fireside chats. He turned to me and said, 'Put another log on the fire, boy.' ''

Gen. James Doolittle: ''I first met him during the war in the South Pacific. He was always wonderful to me. He made sure they had my blood type around - even if he had to kill the chicken himself.''

To World War II troops: ''What a time we had in London. The fog was so thick one night, the anti-aircraft shot down three submarines.''

Harry Truman: ''He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.''

Dwight Eisenhower: ''I happen to know why he's running for president. It's the only way he can get out of the Army . . . If he slices the budget like he slices a (golf) ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.''

Politicians: ''It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.''

John Kennedy: ''Eisenhower said, 'Congratulations on your victory.' And Kennedy replied, 'I had to win. It's so tough these days to find a place that'll take children.' ''

Lyndon Johnson: ''You can tell he used to be a rancher. He squeezes Republicans like he's milking a cow.''

Vietnam: ''As we flew in, they gave us a 21-gun salute. Three of them were ours . . . This place has changed hands more times than Liz Taylor. When I played here two years ago, the (Viet) Cong had the best seats. I held out my hand to see if it was steady, and Ho Chi Mihn shook it.''

To Johnny Bench on Vietnam trip: ''It's a great sport, baseball. You can spend eight months on grass and not get busted.'' (NBC censored the drug joke from his 1970 Christmas special.)

Richard Nixon: ''I told Nixon to burn the (Watergate) tapes. He told me to burn my golf clubs.''

Hosting the Oscars: ''Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it is known at my house, 'Passover.' ''

His USO tours: ''I figure I've spent the last 30 years getting overseas shots . . . I can't take a deep breath - there isn't a spot on me that doesn't leak.''

Gerald Ford: ''I love playing golf with Gerald Ford. He makes me feel like I'm back performing in a war zone . . . It's not hard to find Jerry Ford on a golf course. You just follow the wounded.''

Jimmy Carter: ''Carter wants to go to Washington. He'll feel right at home there - he was raised on a nut farm . . . Every time he grins, someone tries to write 'Steinway' on his upper lip.''

Ronald Reagan: ''Some people are claiming that Ronald Reagan is too old to be president. But I like Ronnie. He's smart, he's honest, and he's the only candidate who calls me 'sonny.'

Mikhail Gorbachev: ''Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.''

To troops in Bahrain: ''Everyone here looks like Danny Thomas. And that's just the women . . . No show of public affection is allowed. In Bahrain, that's called the law. Back home it's called marriage.''

Dan Quayle: ''Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac.''

Bill Clinton: ''Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an intermission.''

Congress: ''We were going to put Congress in charge of serving dinner tonight, but we were afraid nothing would ever get passed.''

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