Jerry Springer, you sleazy rascal, are you serious this time? Because we know you can be a kidder.
Last winter, you told students at Miami University you hoped you wouldn't be judged entirely by your "silly show," as you are fond of calling it. In fact, you said, "I wouldn't watch it."
Of course not.
You are much too smart to rot your brain with the likes of "bi-curious Carl who slept with a one-breasted man who now won't go away" or cultural exchanges such as "Wives vs. Mistresses" and "My Brother is My Lover" and "Lesbian Threesomes with Mom."
And, by gosh, this "silly show" has made you rich.
Your new infomercial - great idea, by the way, look what it did for the Buns of Steel video and Suzanne Somers' Thigh Master - just comes right out and says so. Even as you are asking for money. Your picture, my friend, must be in the dictionary right next to moxie.
You got a pretty good laugh from the 300 who rattled around in the bleachers at Millett Hall when you said you might run for office but you "don't really need the work."
That trip to Oxford last February must have set you back a dollar or two by the time you gassed up your Cessna and paid the pilot and limo driver. But I like the way you casually mentioned leaving the Bentley at home, along with the dancing transvestites and strippers. Which may have been why there were 2,300 vacant seats.
But you gave everybody their $3 worth and then some. I've always admired your eloquence and quick wit. And, hey, you never promised them fistfights or nudity. You called your speech "All Politics is Global." Really, everything is global these days. Even your "silly show."
The BBC told England your show "over the years has had audiences from some 30 countries to which the program is syndicated, open-mouthed at the depravities to which people can sink."
American people, of course. Now maybe foreigners will stop thinking of us as cowboys and start thinking of us as pre-op transvestites and cheating spouses.
Ohio State Sen. Eric Fingerhut, whose already announced as a Democratic candidate, told the Enquirer's Spencer Hunt, "He's doing tremendous harm to the state's image." Fingerhut noted that the title of Thursday's Springer show was "I'm Pregnant by My Brother Part 2!" The Cleveland Democrat added: "Apparently this issue is so pressing that one show couldn't cover it adequately."
Good one, Senator.
But Jerry Springer knew you'd say something like this. "There's no question they will try to use the show against me," he says on the infomercial that has begun to air all over the country.
Some people will stoop to anything, won't they?
But you've got testimonials from Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune and Cincinnati Vice Mayor Alicia Reece to balance the scales. Which seems a little bit like Elizabeth Taylor's testimonial proclaiming Michael Jackson "the most normal person I know."
But it's all show biz, right?
OK, let me try this on for size. United States Senator Jerry Springer.
Nope. It just makes me want to throw a chair.
E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or phone 768-8393.
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