At Ohio State University, 61 faculty members, students, administrators and community members worked five months to find out why some college students are so stupid.

The Task Force on Preventing Celebratory Riots issued its final report on April 7 - just in time for more riots by University of Cincinnati students.

Here's what they found in "Theories and Explanations":

"Of the sociological and social psychological theories on collective behavior, perceptual control theory offers an explanation of riot participation that has been supported by experimental and ethnographic study. . "

Huh? I think that's how a task force says, "I dunno."

NCAA riot champions

It may be valuable to anyone who can decode dead languages. But it might be more useful to roll up the 40-page report and use it to whack Joe College upside the head next time he sets a couch on fire.

Students rioted at OSU because they beat Michigan.

They flipped cars at Michigan State because they lost a Final Four game.

At University of Minnesota, a hockey game was the excuse. At Boulder, Colo., it was Halloween. In Tucson, it was a loss to Duke.

Students will riot for beer, against Duke, in favor of Daylight Savings Time, against the cops and bedtime, or just to "party harder, dude."

The melee on Stratford Avenue near the UC campus was part of the warped student version of the Cinco de Mayo celebration, honoring Mexico's independence from parents, police and the 15-beer limit for students under 21.

Or was that Paraguay? Who cares? Have a brew.

To stop it, the OSU Task Force recommends:

"Instill Pride and Enhance Positive Engagement. Promote Safety and Health. Prevent Illegal and Irresponsible Behavior."

No kidding. The kids are rioting for pride and positive engagement. Suuure. Stuff like that makes me want to riot.

Here's a better idea.

How about Cinco de Jail-o? How about kicked out of school-o?

After embarrassing riots at Michigan State University in 1999, Michigan passed a law to expel rioters and ban them from all Michigan colleges. This year, police offered $2,500 rewards for evidence - and the videotapes and pictures poured in. Rioters are being prosecuted to the max.

Pure lawlessness

That's a good idea - especially in Cincinnati.

If white kids who riot don't go to jail, "That will send the wrong message," said Greg Waldron. "We will say, 'See, it's just a hand slap.'

"I do not condone what some of the black kids are doing, but this is just as bad," he said. "You call it a party that got out of hand? This is a riot. It's lawlessness at its worst."

Waldron is just another dad who is trying to raise his kids right. He called to say he wants to see equal treatment of anyone who shows no respect for property and authority.

"The breakdown is coming from the home," he said.

Bingo. And it didn't take a task force five months to figure it out.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.