Sunday, January 5, 2003

Lotta stupidity

Presenting the annual 2002 foot-in-mouth awards


Now that 2002 has limped to a lame retirement, it's time for the first annual Trent Lott Awards for the year's most boneheaded, humiliating, reckless, extravagantly stupid public statement.

The awards are named after the former Republican Senate Majority Leader whose brain was so badly damaged by excessive hairspray abuse, that he actually said the nation would have been better off if segregationist Strom Thurmond had been president.

Lotta Gall: Sen. Tom Daschle, D-Soreloserville, said threats against his family escalated after Republicans labeled him an "obstructionist'' - while he stood next to his own sign accusing Republicans of being obstructionists.

Lotta Hysteria: PBS busybody Bill Moyers warned that after Democrats got hosed on Nov. 6 "the entire federal government ... is united behind a right-wing agenda.''

All except PBS, which provides generous federal tax subsidies to Mr. Moyers so he can peddle his left-wing propaganda.

Lotta Prozac: To Al Gore, for his bizarre claim that the media is too conservative: "Most of the media (has) been slow to recognize the pervasive impact of this fifth-column in their ranks - that is, day after day, injecting the daily Republican talking points into the definition of what's objective as stated by the news media as a whole."

A few weeks later he dropped out of the 2004 presidential race. Coincidence? Or right-wing media plot?

Osama Penn Laden

Lotta Pacifism: The Jane Fonda Award to actor Sean Penn. According to Iraqi news reports, Osama Penn Laden "confirmed that Iraq is completely clear of weapons of mass destruction.'' He was in Iraq less than three days.

Lotta Lame Excuses: Ohio State University officials hastened to point out that many Buckeye fans who rioted after beating Michigan in November were alumni, not students. What a relief.

Lotta Slick Hooey: Bill Clinton said, "Republicans will always have more powerful interest groups and the fervor of right-wing emotions, as we saw with the Confederate flag issue in Georgia and South Carolina in this recent election.'' So that's how Republicans won - by waving Confederate flags. Tell it to Trent Lott.

Lotta Cringing: Big billboards downtown advertised the Monologues play about female private parts. Then arts groups bellyached again about the lack of public support for the "arts.''

Lotta Name-Calling: ACLU lawyer Scott Greenwood called Citizens for Community Values the "Taliban'' for pressuring hotels to remove hard-core porn.

Lotta Hypocrisy: Amanda Mayes, boycott leader of the Coalition for a Just Cincinnati, protested a menorah on Fountain Square with a sign that said, "JEWS killed Jesus, had black slaves, stole our black identities!!!''

So this is who you listened to, Bill Cosby?

Lotta Denial: Bengals coaches actually tried to claim that losing by fewer points was a victory.

Lotta Paranoia: When Cincinnati Assistant Police Chief Ron Twitty was indicted for lying about his wrecked police car, The Rev. Damon Lynch III, leader of the Cincinnati Black United Front boycotters, said the city had begun to "pick off'' black leaders.

Lotta Dishonorable Mentions: The New York Times predicted that Afghanistan would be another Vietnam quagmire; profiling "experts'' predicted the D.C. sniper would be an "angry white male''; Iraq used 12,000 pages to announce "We're lying again''; lawyers called Johnny Taliban a "victim''; and I even said a few felony stupid things myself - but dang, I'm out of space.

E-mail or call 768-8301.

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