Friday, December 27, 2002

Cook your own news this week



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The recent temporary outbreak of Christmas kindness and "Peace on Earth'' is not good for the news business. The national stockpile of scandals and controversies got so low over the holidays I had to make some up.

For example:

Time magazine announced its Man of the Year is President George W. Bush. A spokesman said the choice was obvious.

"No world leader has come close in the past year. In fact, no president since Reagan is even in the same class - and yes, we mean Clinton.''

Among the achievements listed by Time: President Bush smashed the Taliban and cleaned the rats out of the barn in Afghanistan; he has rounded up many Al Qaida terrorists and stopped hundreds of terrorist plots; and he risked his political popularity for a Republican victory on Nov. 6 by calling attention to the Democrats' squishy stand on war against Iraq.

Reality alert

President Bush now has overwhelming national support to tackle Saddam, tax cuts, judicial appointments, Social Security reform and ...

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.

Sorry, I set off the Reality Alarm. Time would never make President Bush the Man of the Year for 2002. It would be Person of the Year. And it won't be Mr. Bush, because Time chose three "whistleblowers'' so they can whack "corporate corruption.''

Whistleblowers are heroes to the media because they make juicy stories that reinforce liberal stereotypes about evil "big business.'' But let's be honest. A whistleblower is a snitch. A tattletale. A rat.

The Man of the Year shouldda been President Bush.

Several Senate Democrats and the New York Times came out in opposition to President Bush's Supreme Court nomination today, attacking his record on civil rights.

Sen. Hillary Clinton said the nominee once used a "Men Only'' hair-care product, proving he is insensitive to abortion and other women's issues.

More race-baiting

Sen. Ted Kennedy said the nominee owns an all-white car, proving he and all Republicans are racists.

"This once again raises troubling questions about the Republican Party,'' the Times said, pointing out that President Bush's Supreme Court nominee has also watched The Masters, which is played at Augusta National, which has no female members despite 437 outraged, hysterical Times editorials this month.

The Supreme Court nominee, Rush Limbaugh, called on the United Nations to send an inspection team to investigate the Democrats' hidden stockpile of weapons of mass deception . . .

BEEP BEEP BEEP.

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee retracted its award to former President Jimmy Carter after discovering that Mr. Carter negotiated the deal that allowed North Korea to develop nuclear weapons.

BEEP BEEP BEEP.

There it goes again. Let's try this one:

Bengals announce no coaching changes after dismal season, but ticket prices will go up.

No bells, beeps or buzzers.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.



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