Thursday, October 31, 2002

Tricks 'n' treats


What we can expect from rich, famous

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Here's something really scary. Americans plan to spend $6.9 billion this year on Halloween.

That's a boatload of cavity-causing candy bars. Spider webs in spray cans. And ready-to-carve pumpkins.

That's more than the combined GNPs of such frightening places as Haiti, Mongolia and Afghanistan.

Stick that news in your front yard next to the giant inflatable spider and under the strands of pumpkin lights.

All that money spent on Halloween makes me wonder what the rich and famous will give beggars tonight.

After peering into the cauldron of my neighborhood witch, I came away with these double, double toil and trouble prognostications:

George W. Bush - Bully pulpits.

Martha Stewart - Stock tips.

Cinci Freedom, the Runaway Cow - Milk Duds.

Dr. Phil - Rogaine.

Ohio Gov. Bob Taft - Roast duck.

Ohio Gubernatorial Candidate Tim Hagan - Quacks.

Kentucky Gov. Paul Patton - Favors.

Bill Erpenbeck - Rubber checks.

Cleveland Browns quarterback Tim Couch - Crying towels.

Cincinnati Bengals quarterbacks Jon Kitna, et al - Sacks.

Dick LeBeau - Victory speeches, never delivered.

Mike Brown - Divots from the Bengals' end zones, like new.

Bud Selig - Ties.

Carl Lindner - Old bats.

Jim Bowden - 9-11 comparisons.

Ken Griffey Jr. - Hamstrings.

Pete Rose - MasterCards.

Charlie Luken - Steroids, strong-mayor strength.

Valerie Lemmie - Hugs.

John Cranley - Butterfingers.

David Pepper - Pepper spray.

Police Chief Tom Streicher - Purple Panther Power pins. (Jabbed into copies of Time magazine.)

Lt. Col. Ron Twitty - Driving lessons.

Officer Patrick Caton - Mr. Microphone.

Ross Love - Cincinnati CANs, slightly dented.

Alton Frailey - Bricks from Cincinnati's crumbling schools.

P&G's A.G. Lafley - Bars of Ivory.

Former Broadwing CEO Rick Ellenberger - Perfect storms.

Jean-Robert de Cavel - Reservations.

Jeff Ruby - Temper tantrums.

Bob Huggins - Candy hearts.

Ken Lawson - Suits.

Judge Susan Dlott - Patience.

Monitor Alan "Kal" Kalmanoff - PayDay bars.

The Rev. Damon Lynch III - Alpha-Bits spelling "No justice, no peace."

Bill Cosby - Aronoff tickets.

Paul Jablonski - Maps of Cincinnati's subway system.

Archbishop Daniel E. Pilarczyk - Issue 7 yard signs.

John Dowlin - Bus tokens.

Tom Neyer - Lame ducks.

Todd Portune - Astroturf.

Dr. Jean Siebenaler - Paul Brown Stadium price tags, noting party in power during county boondoggle.

Phil Heimlich - Ten-foot poles, distancing him from Paul Brown Stadium's guilty party.

Mike Allen - Jury pools.

Michael A. Fox - Blueprints transforming namesake Butler County highway into transcontinental interstate.

Mini-Me - Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati brewskis, pints.

Trucker Ron Lantz - Hero sandwiches.

Riverfront Stadium - Goodbyes.

Call Cliff Radel at 768-8379; or e-mail: cradel@enquirer.com.




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