“This is a time for rigorous self-censorship and over-reaction,” the figures said in a statement. “Americans are in no mood to be reminded of terrorism, unless such reminders occur in the context of a David Letterman Top 10 list.”

        The announcement followed Cincinnati Reds General Manager Jim Bowden's remarks that a strike would be really bad for baseball. In trying to clarify this point, Mr. Bowden likened a strike to the head of the player's union flying a plane into a building.

        “Make sure it's Sept. 11,” he sarcastically said of setting a strike date. “Be symbolic about it.”

        His comments were quickly criticized by a spokesman for Major League Baseball, which fined Mr. Bowden and has its finger on the pulse of America. Understanding that most Americans do not want any excitement right now, baseball Commissioner Bud Selig recently stopped the All-Star Game at 7-7 in the 11th inning. This enraged a group of people known as “sports fans,” who were dismissed as insignificant. Shortly after making his remarks to journalists on Thursday, Mr. Bowden began abjectly apologizing for offending Americans.

        One woman heard about his comments during one of the newly popular “Botox parties” to erase fine lines. She immediately pursed her lips, which stayed that way due to the paralyzing effects of the toxin. She is considering a lawsuit against Mr. Bowden.

        For other Americans, word of the insensitive remarks came during an episode of Dog Eat Dog, one of 114 new reality shows.

        “In order to escape our constant worries about terrorism, we like watching real people humiliate and degrade each other on these shows,” said a Cincinnati man. “The whole family gathers on the couch, because all we want is to be together while watching the zany hijinks. Jim Bowden has ruined it all.”

        In addition, the general manager's remarks made their way to an FBI informant, who told the agency that some guy might try to fly into a building somewhere. The FBI was preparing a general alert to send to all Americans just as the CIA confirmed that the suspect might be a soccer player.

        A 13-year-old girl said she didn't undertand all the fuss about Mr. Bowden's remarks.

        “I knew Mr. Bowden didn't really think a baseball strike would be like the deaths of 3,000 people. He was just exaggerating to make a point. I did this just the other day, when I told my mom I would die if she made me go to the mall with her.”

        “Maybe what Mr. Bowden said was a little crude and stupid,” she continued. “But he shouldn't be crucified for it. I would rather people say things — and sometimes sound stupid — than tiptoe around being polite and maybe forgetting about Sept. 11 altogether.”

        The girl then ran into her house, explaining that she would die if she missed a phone call from her boyfriend.

        Contact: ksamples@enquirer.com or (859) 578-5584.

City swelters under heat emergency
Heat wave burns '01 temperatures
Adult movies in hotels targeted
Exception to notification rule
Loveland plans ceremony to remember Sept. 11 victims
Man faces kid porn charges
Marge Schott hospitalized at Jewish
Missing girl photo given golf spectators
Obituary: St. Ursula senior Makena Comisar, 17, 'a blessing'
Ohio State Fair's where city meets the country
Faith Matters
MCNUTT: Neighborhoods
SAMPLES GUTIERREZ: Speak carefully
AARP honors volunteer
Bank robber had long record
Drug dealer seeks years off
New drug unit will cover Warren, Clinton areas
Attorney: Dad given custody before girl's 'kidnapping'
Church challenges ordinance
Gun found in man's carry-on at airport
Parachute flyer probably drowned