“I misread my electronic planner,” he said (Official motto: Oh, that button).

        “I was in Miami (Florida, where he lives) and called Judi (Smith, his assistant). She said "Why aren't you on a plane to Ohio?'

        “That's when I realized I was speaking here Tuesday. A thousand calls later I was on a plane.

        “I made it with 45 seconds to spare,” he said early Wednesday in a limo headed to the airport. “It's all Judi's fault, don't you think?” (Other official motto: I pay her, she can take it.)

        Good thing he made it: There were 750 Miami University students waiting to hear him as part of the University Lecture Series.

        The syndicated humor columnist (he appears Sundays in the Enquirer )gave them what they came to hear: “A rambling thing, about how I almost didn't make it, some, um, rude jokes, you know "functions,' and a few surprises.”

        Later, we hit him with an early surprise: 10 fill-in-the blanks based on recent columns.

        Ready?

        “For anything.”

        The best thing about getting older and sprouting nose hairs ...

        You get to buy all these really cool devices from the back of magazines. I trim mine so clean, I often meet people and invite them to stick their heads up my nostrils. If I wore a hat, I'd tip it to researchers who develop nose hair clippers. They test them on real people because there's no such thing as artificial nose hair to work with. You do know that Ohio is the nose hair bristle capital of the world, don't you?

        When I'm stuck for a laugh in a column, I resort to ...

        Weasels. You can't go wrong. Especially if you have a weasel with unruly nose hair. We call that perfecto.

        It's not funny, but —————— always makes me laugh.

        The U.S. tax code. But I love those guys, really. Would you quote me so they don't audit me again?

        Having a baby at my age (54) is ...

        Insane. But we did it anyway. Sophie is now 3-years-old.

        The first thing I'm going to do when I'm 90 and check into the home ...

        See if they have any really good dirty movies.

        If they outlawed beer, I'd have to ...

        Become a legislator and change the law back.

        Having a sewerage treatment plant named after you is like ...

        A huge honor until they ask you if you want a tour, which I'd advise against.

        The topic I've never tackled but want to ...

        Oooh, I would have to say the impact of U.S. import restrictions on European products. It's ripe for humor if I can work in some weasel and nose hair jokes.

        If my dogs could talk ...

        They'd tell you they're dead, but they like doggie heaven.

        One thing you should have asked me ...

        My height. I'm 6-4. Put that in the lead of your story, OK? (He's 5-9, “but like all guys, I round it off at 6 foot.”.)

        E-mail jknippenberg@enquirer.com

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