Sunday, February 25, 2001
What if other sports had X-equivalent ...
Sure, the football is dreadful, but at least the XFL is good for a few gags. Just think: What if every sporting event had an “X” equivalent?
X-Westminster Dog Show: They're all pit bulls, and they all attack each other.
XBA: The basketball league where all the players are trash talkers and don't respect tradition and ... oh, wait a minute.
XLB: The season before the major-league season, when all the players run around Florida, miked, going to clubs with groupies. “Real World: Sarasota.”
XPGA: Think John Daly's hotel-room behavior, then move it to the course.
LPGX: Same as above, adding the wet-T-shirt element for the male 18-24 target audience.
X-X Games: It's a double negative, right? So these would be reeeaaalllyyy boring events, such as curling, team handball and watching paint dry.
XXL: Extra-large men square off in a different sport each week for 12 weeks. The overall winner gets a shopping spree at Casual Male.
XYZ: The National Spelling Bee, with Spandex, leather bustiers, folding chairs and stageside announcers. The last seven competitors must spell in a metal cage, with no definitions or context clues.
XXU: The new, black-uniformed, non-hugging, non-graduating Xavier Musketeers. No great guys. No selfless play. No Cintas Center. UC fans incensed that their rivals have stolen the Bearcats' shtick.
X-Iditarod: Also known as Fox's “When Huskies Attack.”
The Cincinnati Flying Pig X-Marathon: No water stations. Beer stations. When runners hit The Wall, they really hit The Wall.
XHL: We're guessing the key players in this league are the Zamboni drivers.
X-Hunting: Let's just say this sport would borrow heavily from the one “Gilligan's Island” episode where the big-game hunter tried to add Little Buddy to his trophy case.
X-opoly: Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Surrender all your possessions. Get de-loused. Put on an orange jump suit. Share a cell with a big guy named Rocko. And no get-out-of-jail-free cards, the “fair catch” of the staid, original Monopoly.
The X-Hollywood Squares: “O.J. to block.”
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What if other sports had X-equivalent ...
