With men, women have just a 50-50 shot of being listened to. And. . . it's not our fault! It's a roll of the cranial dice, boys. If we don't lend a sensitive ear, dear, it's not that we don't want to. We're just not wired that way.

        I don't know about you. But this puts to rest the longest-running complaint in my house.

        “You never listen to me,” she says.

        “What?”

        A female friend of mine who works in an office full of men suggests, “If men say they're going to do something, you've got a 50-50 chance of it happening.”

        There you go. The left brain says, “I'll do whatever you ask.” The right can't remember the question.

        Is this great or what?

        Think of the time spent fathoming the differences between men and women. Libraries have been written about it. Women talk-show hosts have bashed men into a fine powder. It always boils down to this:

        Women are from Venus, and men are pathetic.

        Through the decades, I've picked up on a few differences myself:

        • Women shop. Men buy.

        • Women collect things that, six months later, men want to throw out.

        • Women reveal. Men recede.

        • Women watch one channel. Women eat popcorn one piece at a time. Drives me nuts.

        • Men are intelligent. Women are smart.

        • It's a rare woman who shares a man's need to belch.

        • Women like to “cuddle.” Please.

        • At the mall, men will park in the first available spot. Women will drive around like they're looking for Jimmy Hoffa.

        • Women are sincere. Men know better.

        But here is the biggest difference: Women listen. Men hear.

        Listening implies empathy, sympathy, involvement. Hearing means you're not listening to the game on the radio.

        That explains how men can talk about who's picking up the kids while they think about Charlize Theron in leather. Or, while a woman is pouring out her feelings, a man can nod sincerely while wondering if he has time to play 18 before dark.

        Now, when I'm hearing and not listening, I can lay it on biology: Sorry. It's a right-brained day. And I am, in fact, a right-brained man.

        Right-brained men know it's easier to nod than to argue. (Another difference: Men argue. Women “discuss.”) Especially this time of year, when everyone is shopping.

        Half a man's brain is nodding yes. The other half is saying, “Anything to get out of here.”

        “How's this?” she says.

        “Great. Let's go.”

        “Do you like this?”

        “Yes. Very much. Let's go.”

        “What about this?”

        “It makes you look like Heidi Klum. Let's go.”

        Alan Alda and Phil Donahue are heavy in the left brain. That guy Ed, on the TV show of the same name, he's a major league left-brain. To get any right brain power in Ed would require an implant.

        Mike Ditka is a right-brain. Hugh Hefner has no left brain. Al Gore exchanges brains daily, depending on who's voting.

        I hear. Very occasionally, I listen. Don't blame me. I didn't ask to be a guy.

        This is a special column from Paul Daugherty. Look for his regular columns in sports and on Tempo's People Page Sunday. He welcomes calls at 768-8454; fax: 768-8330.
       

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