OK, I should apologize to Texas, but I wouldn't want to get in line ahead of Al Gore, who better not take his tinhorn, checkered-pants medicine show to the Lone Star State without his own gun license and an escort of jackbooted federal agents like the kind who flattened Waco. I reckon there's a passel of Texans who would like to throw a necktie party
for Mr. Gore after listening to him put a burr under their saddle Wednesday night.

        When they say “Don't mess with Texas,” they mean it — with .44 cal. punctuation. Just take a drive through Muleshoe, Pecos or Waxahachie and look at the bullet-riddled signs. And Al Gore was messin' with Texas big-time, to mess over the Texas governor's mind.

        It worked to put George W. Bush on the defensive. He was breathless and wired like someone who chug-a-lugged a Starbucks double espresso without a Ritalin chaser.

        Meanwhile, the New, Improved Microsoft Gore, Version 23.5 with Valium Software, was almost lifelike until he reverted to his Karl Marx impression about the wealthy 1 percent and downloaded on Texas.

        He made Texas sound like Bangladesh in cowboy boots. But I'm not sure the people running Mr. Gore's remote controls have thought this completely through. Voters might start to wonder If Texas is so terrible, what's that make Arkansas, home of Bill Clinton, whom Mr. Gore has called the “greatest president in history”?

        Instead of pointing out that Texas is the second largest state, maybe Mr. Bush should have pointed out that Mr. Gore's own state of Tennessee is No. 1 in producing impeached presidents — tied with Arkansas, where they conduct the census by counting rusted Pontiacs on blocks and multiplying by five.

        OK, I should apologize to Arkansas — as soon as Arkansas apologizes to Ohio and all the other 48 states for sending us a defective Firestone-tire president.

        But back to the debate, before I get into one of those Jim Lehrer cul de sacs where the candidates keep going in circles, trying to avoid answering the same question nine different ways.

        Who won?

        According to my post-debate sample of pundits on Fox, CNBC and CNN, it was a unanimous decision for Mr. Bush, who showed a reassuring grasp of foreign policy (“Africa is an important continent”), looked presidential, was relaxed and did not smirk much except when he talked about executing convicted murderers. They all agreed Bush waxed Gore.

        I was poleaxed. Were they watching the same debate I saw — or were they tuned in to last week's vice-presidents' debate, tape delayed from Sydney, Australia?

        It helps to understand that these are the same “experts” who immediately declared Mr. Gore the winner of the first debate, then watched him fall in the polls like an apple-polishing teacher's pet tripped in the school cafeteria.

        And what about those fickle swing voters? They're still not paying attention.

        In an interview with “undecided voters” immediately after the debate, a woman told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that she was “outraged” at the way George W. Bush said healthy kids did not need insurance. Outrageous. But he didn't say that. He said healthy young people often don't buy health insurance.

        But that's the American contract Candidates do their best to avoid saying anything we don't want to hear, and we do our best not to hear anything they're saying.

        It's enough to make me want to move to another country. Like Texas.

        Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call (513) 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.

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