Tuesday, September 19, 2000
Air rifle? For 2 weeks, it's in our sights
SYDNEY, Australia — At the Olympics, I think shooting would be better if the shooters shot the equestrians. It would really be better if they sent 100 medal-dreaming shooters into the woods for an hour, with a couple hundred rounds each. The three that walked out would get the medals.
Jason Parker, who went to Xavier, competed in the Olympic 10-meter air rifle competition Monday. Jason Parker seems like a very nice man, and I'm sure the shooting was fantastic. But
really.
Shooting may be a sport in New York. Or in L.A., where the drive-by competition is incredible. But not in Cincinnati. In our town, shooters apologize before holding up the convenience store.
Shooting is one of the 95 Olympic sports we care about for two weeks every four years. The Olympics rely on emotion, nationalism and story-telling for their appeal, mainly because if we had to watch team dressage for two weeks, the Olympics would have folded after the first day.
Newspaper writers come to the Olympics knowing nothing. We write as if we know everything. We leave hoping we haven't caused an international incident. Between now and 2004, I'll write about gymnastics exactly zero times. Ditto, likely, for track. Field, I have no idea. The hammer throw? Sure.
I apologized in advance to Jason Parker. And to Xavier, where the rifle team is among the best. And then I interviewed Parker.
“So, how'd you shoot?”
Fine, he said.
“Did it go the way you expected?”
Pretty much, he said. Yes.
“Oh. Great. Um, uh, well ... Do you own a set of 18th-century dueling pistols?”
What?
“With this shooting gig, are you training for a job in the Assassinations Department?”
“Have you ever said, "Go ahead, punk. Make my day”?
“Who's better? Guns-n-Roses? Or .38 Special?”
Parker is a 26-year-old Nebraska native, living in Georgia. He graduated from XU in 1996, which qualifies him as a hometown athlete.
I don't know about you. But I am not going to mess
with a man who from 10 meters away can put a 4.5 mm pellet through a bulls-eye the size of a period in a newspaper. That's what Parker does, and it requires Olympian skill and superhuman calm. When Parker is firing 10 shots in an Olympic final, as he was Monday, he makes a Zen master look like a speed freak.
He's the national air rifle champion. The problem is mine, not his.
Parker finished fifth. He said he was pleased. Good for him. I'm sorry he didn't medal. Really.
But truthfully, the Olym pic Games are two weeks of caring passionately about sports we couldn't care less about the rest of the time.
Go ahead, I'll let you draw first. Varmint.
Enquirer columnist Paul Daugherty welcomes your comments at (513) 768-8454.
Jason Parker profile
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