Thursday, October 28, 1999
If kids speak up, bullies will back down, expert says
BY CINDY KRANZ
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Witnesses play an important role in stopping the cycle of bullying, nationally known child advocate SuEllen Fried says.
“There are more witnesses than bullies or targets. Witnesses are a real key to the solution,” she says. “They are extremely aware of a lot of the bullying that takes place outside of adult view. The information they have, and the power they have in their numbers is extremely important.”
Ms. Fried spends a lot of time talking with kids about the difference between tattling and reporting. The best definition, she says, came from a child who said, “Tattling is when you're trying to get somebody in trouble, and reporting is when you're trying to get somebody out of trouble.”
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IF YOU GO
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• What: “Bullies & Victims,” a free lecture by nationally known child advocate SuEllen Fried.
• When: 7 p.m. Monday.
• Where: Mayerson Academy, 2650 Highland Ave. at William Howard Taft, Corryville.
• Reservations: 632-0834. Seating is limited.
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Ms. Fried speaks Monday in Corryville about “Bullies & Victims.” The Academy of Medicine Alliance of Cincinnati sponsors the free lecture. The co-author of Bullies & Victims: Helping Your Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield (M. Evans and Co.; $14.95), answered these questions about bullying:
What kind of job do schools do in handling bullying?
“It varies so much from school to school, from classroom teacher to classroom teacher, from principal to principal. I go to some schools where I'm extremely impressed the minute I walk in the door. There are posters. There are signs. There are rules. I get the sense everybody in school is focusing on the relationships the children have with each other, making respect a high priority.
“Then, I go into other schools where I feel it's kind of up to each teacher to decide how much of an emphasis she is going to place on respect and the interaction of the kids.”
How do you teach kids respect and tolerance for each other?
“Part of it is to help them see what they say and do to each other. There are sins of commission and omission, such as rejection. There are consequences for their behavior.
“On the other side of the coin, we can be talking to kids about kindness, ways we can support each other, come at it from a very positive perspective — how it makes you feel when somebody invites you to sit next to them at lunch, asks you to be on their team, comforts you when something is going on in your life, like an illness in the family.”
Who are the bullies in schools?
“What the kids tell us is, invariably, bullies are kids having problems in their own family. They're being bullied at home. Their parents are bullies. An older brother or sibling is a bully. They also talk about the fact that bullies, at some point, were targets. They were picked on. They want revenge or decided to be a bully as a strategy to make sure nobody picks on them anymore.
“Bullies are hungry for attention and don't feel good about themselves. Kids describe bullies as loners who don't know how to manage anger, don't know how to get along with people.
“The thing I've heard about athletes is not so much that they're bullies, but sometimes, athletes get a lot of deference, not only from students but from the faculty. They seem to have an exalted position and seem to take advantage of that.”
At what age should children learn to deal with bullies?
“I don't think you can really start too young. In our book, one of the examples we talked about is a little 31/2-year-old girl who went up to a little boy and told him his mother wasn't going to pick him up that day. That was absolutely devastating. Another little girl, a witness, went up to the boy who was sobbing and said, "You know, your mommy came and got you yesterday. She's going to come and get you today.'
“There are all sorts of opportunities, even in day-care settings, for adults to intervene and help children understand the consequences of their words and physical kinds of things.
“It's important for adults to make sure if a child is not capable of protecting and defending themselves, the first strategy would be for the adult to empower and help the child learn skills to take care of themselves. Until a child learns how to do that, I think it's very important for the child to be protected.”
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