Sneak peek at rich & famous tricks, treats

Friday, October 30, 1998

The Cincinnati Enquirer

Holiday lights brighten porches. There's a certain chill in the air and a special warmth in everyone's heart.

Yep. This is Halloween Eve.

Time for my annual visit to the neighborhood witch, where I stand over a bubbling cauldron and stuff myself with bite-size Milky Ways. As the vapors circle my head and sugar surges jolt my brain, I see visions of what the rich and famous will give out Saturday night:

Bill Clinton -- Dry cleaning gift certificates.

Monica Lewinsky -- Beau ties.

Linda Tripp -- Friendship rings.

Hillary Clinton -- Paperbacks of Women Who Love Too Much.

Kenneth Starr -- Expense reports from a $40-million witch hunt.

Mike Brown -- Super Bowl programs. From 1989.

Bruce Coslet -- Crying towels. (Used).

Rick Minter -- Victory towels (Never used).

Marge Schott -- "For Sale -- By Owner" yard signs.

Stan Chesley -- Souvenir mugs from his last backyard presidential fund-raiser -- at $300 a mug. Payable at the door.

Tom Neyer -- Wedgies.

Marilyn Hyland -- Waffles.

Procter & Gamble: More free cans of Pringles with Olestra.

Cincinnati Public Schools: Floor plans for renovated schools.

Cincinnati City Council: Sticky taffy wrapped in IOU slips to fix the schools.

Fort Washington Way crews -- War and Peace, on tape, for those hour-long merges into downtown.

Jim Tarbell -- Broadway Commons jaw breakers. They never dissolve.

Barry Larkin -- Baseball caps from everywhere but Cincinnati.

Marty Brennaman & Joe Nuxhall -- CDs of the duo warbling "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" at Wrigley Field.

Mark McGwire & Sammy Sosa -- Baby Ruths.

Michael Jordan, Larry Bird and rest of NBA -- Rain checks.

Delta Airlines -- Take what you like. But pay double.

Hanson -- Mmmmm-pops.

WLW -- A quart of beer and a prepaid phone card that only works for WLW call-in lines.

Bill Cunningham -- Two quarts of beer and a prepaid phone card.

Bengals receiver Carl Pickens -- Scowl masks and a resume.

Xavier University basketball team -- Diplomas.

University of Cincinnati basketball team -- Condensed versions of the NCAA rule book, in Greek.

Steve Chabot -- More family photos.

Roxanne Qualls -- Coupons for farewell tours of the mayor's office.

Cincinnati Police Chief Mike Snowden -- T-shirts with the slogan: "This is as dressed up as I get. I'm retired."

Calista Flockhart, a k a Ally McBeal -- Thin mints.

Leonardo DiCaprio -- Bumper stickers declaring: "The boat sank. Get over it."

Al Gore -- No Doz.

Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra -- Extra-strength No Doz.

The Broadway Series: "Memories!"

Gibson Greetings CEO Frank O'Connell -- Pink slips.

Bill Gates -- GameBoy Monopoly.

Bob Taft -- Uncensored video of banned campaign ads.

Lee Fisher -- Piggy banks.

George Voinovich -- Bowls of Senate bean soup.

Mary Boyle -- Milk cartons with her picture on the side.

Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu -- Mother's Day and Father's Day cards.

Jerry Seinfeld -- Syndication rights to last year's treats.

Oprah Winfrey -- Library cards.

Jerry Springer -- Class. He has no use for it.

Columnist Cliff Radel can be reached at 768-8379; fax 768-8340.