Well, no wonder the Southern Baptists have decided to boycott Disney. Maybe this will bring some attention to the danger this company poses to the morals of our children.
A resolution, passed last week by 12,000 delegates to the Baptists' convention, urges the 15 million members of the nation's largest Protestant denomination to take action against Disney's "anti-Christian and antifamily direction." They want to avenge "immoral ideologies and practices."
Start with Minnie Mouse. If I've seen that hussy's underpants once, I've seen them a thousand times. And have you noticed the open-toed shoes? I think we know what those are called. And why.
How about Snow White? You can't tell me that there wasn't something between her and Sneezy. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho indeed. I've seen the inside of that dwarf love nest, and Doc is bunking just a little too close to Bashful to suit me.
Donald Duck a sicko?
Goofy clearly has been addled by drugs and alcohol, and I'd like somebody to explain to me how Scrooge McDuck made his fortune. I suspect the rackets - prostitution and gambling. Huey, Dewey and Louie probably are his numbers runners. Is it my imagination or are those beepers under their feathers?
And who does Donald Duck think he's fooling in his prissy little sailor hat and middy blouse with no pants. That sicko.
This looks like a chance for a mass book burning, starting with the Little Golden ones. Put the Lion King and the Little Mermaid videos in a hefty bag and bid goodbye to Bill Nye, the Science Guy, another Disney shill.
"If we approve this resolution," said a Georgia pastor objecting to the boycott, "you have a moral obligation to go home, cancel your ESPN coverage, get rid of the A&E Channel, stop watching Lifetime television and never turn your TV to ABC, including Good Morning America."
Cancel ESPN? During the Wildcats season? This is serious.
The real target, of course, is not Minnie Mouse, but the openly gay Ellen DeGeneres, whose eponymous show is on Disney's ABC. The company's policy of providing medical benefits to same-sex couples is damned as "gay-friendly." That seems a peculiarly hard stance, considering that this country has 37 million people who have no health coverage at all. This policy must cost Disney a fortune. I suppose that is kind of friendly.
C'mon, Baptists, you can find a more worthy enemy than Disney. If you want to go after a cartoon character, how about Joe Camel?
Not a gay problem
What about what's happening to our heterosexual teen-age girls? Babies. Lots of babies. According to the Family and Children First Action Team, about 80 percent of all poverty has been linked to teen pregnancies.
U.S. teen-agers are having babies at nearly twice the rate of their peers in the rest of the world, according to a recent United Nations report. Tristate teens are giving birth at a rate twice that of northern Europe, Canada and Australia and four times higher than in southern and western Europe.
This is not caused by homosexuals.
The Southern Baptists have millions of members scattered in communities all over the country. I know plenty of them, and they're decent and energetic people. Their impact can be mighty. How about tackling drugs? Or guns?
I mean no disrespect. In fact, the good that a group like this one can accomplish is awe-inspiring. But surely this church can find more dangerous enemies than Mickey and Minnie. Surely their robust interest in the family can find a better target than a company which spends millions of dollars on medical benefits to people who might otherwise be shut out and ignored. Or supported by taxpayers.
When you think about it, what the Southern Baptists are asking is that Disney withdraw somebody's access to health care. This boycott is not really funny. It's goofy.
And it's, well, kind of immoral.
Laura Pulfer's column appears in The Enquirer on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. Call 768-8393 or fax 768-8340. She can be heard Monday mornings on WVXU radio, and as a regular commentator on NPR's Morning Edition.