Monday, October 25, 1999
Nyuk! Stooges had nothing on Bengals
BY PAUL DAUGHERTY
The Cincinnati Enquirer
INDIANAPOLIS — What is it they say about insanity? That it's doing the same things over and over, and expecting a different result? By this definition, the Cincinnati Bengals are insane. Nuts. Certifiable.
When you keep whacking your head with the same hammer, when do you tire of the headache? The only person I know who does this willingly is Curly from the Three Stooges. Curly is widely regarded as a numbskull. Mike Brown is not Curly. Perhaps.
The only creature I know who has repeated more of the same folly than the Cincinnati Bengals is Wile E. Coyote, who is a cartoon character. Here comes the anvil, big guy.
If you put a mouse in a cage, and one half of the cage is wired to shock the mouse whenever he enters, eventually the mouse learns to stay on the other half of the cage. The Bengals get electrocuted.
Lots of things went wrong again Sunday. “So many... I don't know where to begin,” Bruce Coslet said. Cincinnati played a game that was lifted straight from 1991. Or '93. Or '94. Or '98. They all seem to run together, in one long blooper reel.
Indianapolis beat the Bengals, 31-10. By the middle of the second quarter — when Indy led 21-0, Colts wideout Marvin Harrison had 100 receiving yards, Akili Smith had been sacked three times and, surprise, a Bengals punt had been blocked — if you had to choose between the football game and scraping your corneas with a cocktail fork, you'd sprint for the silverware drawer.
Straight Fs
We'll spare you the details and give you the quick review:
Offense: F. Defense: F. Special Teams: F. Coaching: F. That about cover it?
Afteward, Akili Smith vowed to continue calling out his mates. “I don't care what anybody thinks,” he said. Corey Dillon was thisclose to detonating the entire franchise, the way he can detonate a linebacker when he's on his game.
“You think I want to lose each week?” The Dillonator asked. “I'm tired of this. Bring some people in here who want to get it done. I've been here for three years. It's been the same scenario: Next year, next year. I'm tired of hearing that.”
Dillon sat out nearly three quarters after incurring a five-stitch gash in his right arm. He took himself out of the game. He kept himself out. “It's 28 to zero or whatever. I got five stitches in my arm. What am I going to do, pass-block?
“I just said, hey, I can sit this one out. No big deal.”
I feel sorry for the players who care. Even if, right now, I don't know who they are. But enough is enough.
Enough was enough a long time ago. Brown likes to say the NFL is a league of cycles. Everywhere else, it is. In Cincinnati the only cycle is Godawful.
Past time for change
So what's next? Fire the coach? Bruce Coslet is hanging by a shoelace right now. It's one thing to lose regularly; it's another to be blown out. Since their one-point loss at Tennessee opening the year, the Bengals have been outscored by an average of 23 points. In 13 losses last year, the average margin was 15.
How long do you go with a coach who no longer inspires or motivates, and continues to call draw plays on third down and long?
Perhaps Coslet could be a better coach elsewhere, where the owner is less intent on proving he knows how to run a football team. When Coslet says he doesn't know how to right his club, credit him for candor. But if Coslet doesn't, who does?
Fixing a football franchise shouldn't be like fixing the Middle East. Every other team in the NFL has done it in the last decade, some (San Diego, Washington) more than once.
Last year, the Colts had the same record as the Bengals. How things change. Elsewhere.
Paul Daugherty welcomes your comments at 768-8454. Fair Game, a collection of his columns, is available at local bookstores.
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